What's Next for Tiger?

Sex: check. Drugs? Perhaps. So rock-n-roll? Is that the final frontier for the famous Tiger Woods? It certainly seems to be the natural progression. I can see it now: Tiger sporting dreadlocks and a leather vest, wailing on a Fender with a neck shaped like a 9-iron, screaming at the top of his lungs, “I don’t care about sports or family, I just wanna rock!”

Some image of our recently crowned Associated Press, Athlete of the Decade. But as it stands now, that’s not too far off. We didn’t want him to fall off his pedestal, but he did, and I’m afraid this time, if the drug accusations are proven true, Tiger will officially lose his stripes.

It all can be attributed to the male psyche, as many issues with our sports figures tend to be. Unfortunately for the female sports lovers, girls are more of a side note than a major issue. Much to Tiger’s chagrin his lady issues were blown up due to his God-like status among moms and daughters across America. But let’s be serious here. He’s a professional athlete with a ton of money and all the potential in the world. What did you think was happening? You really believed Tiger was dressing up as Santa, drinking hot mocha with his Swedish nanny-wife, humming his son to sleep, all while traveling most of the year, winning every major over and over, and sleeping in hotel rooms flooded with women and press?

We can speak candidly here. Athletes don’t usually make good husbands. Even the great Michael Jordan, the man who changed basketball forever, the savior of Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck in Space Jam, has been known to sleep with a college-aged model or two from time to time. I think he even slept with a girl from my Alma Mater while she was spring breaking at the Atlantis. And why shouldn’t he? He’s MJ.

But when it comes to cheating the game, well that’s a different story. Men can forgive cheating on a wife and family, but cheating on your team, your fans, or your sport- that’s a big no-no in Bro-land. Issues of pride, honor, and friendship always trump those of infidelity in the world of the Y chromosome. Always. Just ask Alex Rodriguez.

Supporting my point further is Dr. Gary Wadler World Anti-Doping Agency. (The fact that the World Anti-Doping Agency even exits is a testament to the importance we place on our athletes remaining clean). But even further, when asked about the outcome if Tiger were confirmed as a steroid user, Dr. Wadler said, “That would be devastating.”

It would be. We men, we fellow golfers, fellow athletes, fellow lying, cheating, affair-having men, would be crushed to learn our favorite hero had been alluding us this whole time. We’ve had to endure betrayal in baseball and listen to debates on home run records; we’ve had to hear about it in basketball, whether King James could possibly be that big; and we all know that it’s the life-blood of football, creating middle linebackers bigger, faster, and stronger than ever before. But we never thought it would ruin golf. Golf was our golden child, our sanctuary.

Tiger if you’re reading (which I’m sure you’re not), say it ain’t so. Don’t let us down. You can have all the models and nannies you want, sext all day on an unlimited plan, just please, tell us you haven’t used steroids. Tell us those 350+ yard drives are real. Because if they’re not, Christmas in Bro-land is officially ruined. Thanks a lot.