What's Next for Tiger?

Sex: check. Drugs? Perhaps. So rock-n-roll? Is that the final frontier for the famous Tiger Woods? It certainly seems to be the natural progression. I can see it now: Tiger sporting dreadlocks and a leather vest, wailing on a Fender with a neck shaped like a 9-iron, screaming at the top of his lungs, “I don’t care about sports or family, I just wanna rock!”

Some image of our recently crowned Associated Press, Athlete of the Decade. But as it stands now, that’s not too far off. We didn’t want him to fall off his pedestal, but he did, and I’m afraid this time, if the drug accusations are proven true, Tiger will officially lose his stripes.

It all can be attributed to the male psyche, as many issues with our sports figures tend to be. Unfortunately for the female sports lovers, girls are more of a side note than a major issue. Much to Tiger’s chagrin his lady issues were blown up due to his God-like status among moms and daughters across America. But let’s be serious here. He’s a professional athlete with a ton of money and all the potential in the world. What did you think was happening? You really believed Tiger was dressing up as Santa, drinking hot mocha with his Swedish nanny-wife, humming his son to sleep, all while traveling most of the year, winning every major over and over, and sleeping in hotel rooms flooded with women and press?

We can speak candidly here. Athletes don’t usually make good husbands. Even the great Michael Jordan, the man who changed basketball forever, the savior of Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck in Space Jam, has been known to sleep with a college-aged model or two from time to time. I think he even slept with a girl from my Alma Mater while she was spring breaking at the Atlantis. And why shouldn’t he? He’s MJ.

But when it comes to cheating the game, well that’s a different story. Men can forgive cheating on a wife and family, but cheating on your team, your fans, or your sport- that’s a big no-no in Bro-land. Issues of pride, honor, and friendship always trump those of infidelity in the world of the Y chromosome. Always. Just ask Alex Rodriguez.

Supporting my point further is Dr. Gary Wadler World Anti-Doping Agency. (The fact that the World Anti-Doping Agency even exits is a testament to the importance we place on our athletes remaining clean). But even further, when asked about the outcome if Tiger were confirmed as a steroid user, Dr. Wadler said, “That would be devastating.”

It would be. We men, we fellow golfers, fellow athletes, fellow lying, cheating, affair-having men, would be crushed to learn our favorite hero had been alluding us this whole time. We’ve had to endure betrayal in baseball and listen to debates on home run records; we’ve had to hear about it in basketball, whether King James could possibly be that big; and we all know that it’s the life-blood of football, creating middle linebackers bigger, faster, and stronger than ever before. But we never thought it would ruin golf. Golf was our golden child, our sanctuary.

Tiger if you’re reading (which I’m sure you’re not), say it ain’t so. Don’t let us down. You can have all the models and nannies you want, sext all day on an unlimited plan, just please, tell us you haven’t used steroids. Tell us those 350+ yard drives are real. Because if they’re not, Christmas in Bro-land is officially ruined. Thanks a lot.

Your New Favorite Employee

It’s late Thursday afternoon and you’re sitting at your mahogany desk (cubical). In the distance you can hear your boss’ voice down the hall, screaming about the sub-par (in his opinion only, of course) TPS reports you just submitted. If you don’t mask these nails on the chalkboard, this is going to be a long end to your week, and you may end up jobless for the Holiday season. Fear no more, workday warriors, your prayers have been answered.

Swimming its way to the top of my favorite workplace pass-times is GrooveShark, the online radio website at the cutting edge of the digital media market. Yea, yea, I know you’re used to your faithful Pandora, and you’re scared to leave that old box behind. Or maybe you’re thinking, “I can just search tracks on YouTube.” But it’s time to move on. It’s December, and almost 2010. You’re about to get that big promotion (when you fix those TPS reports), and you’re a more experienced listener with higher standards.

Unlike its “competitors,” GrooveShark has respect for his god-like new manager. And why wouldn’t he? You, the soon-to-be corporate leader, don’t take no for an answer, and you won’t stand for anything but studio quality from your employee(s). You also don’t actually want to do any plebian work like searching, scrolling, or any other –ing that involves thinking creatively on your own. No worries. Your best suck-up has you covered. Just type in the exact song or artist you’d like to help drown out your workday sorrows, GrooveShark finds your track or tracks, along with a host of other similar songs; you choose the song to start the playlist and GrooveShark (as a good worker should) does the rest.

With an option to turn the radio function on or off, you have free reign to decide how much or how little control your assistant can have over this acoustic challenge you’ve so graciously let him take on.

Oh, and did I mention there are no commercials or audio advertisements? Well, there aren’t. But then again, that would be rude of lower management to interrupt a more senior member of the team, wouldn’t it? I think so too.

Enjoy.

http://www.grooveshark.com/

Going Blue

There has been a lot of hype lately about the world “going green.” All of a sudden everyone is very concerned with saving our planet and restoring the environment to the Eden of yore. But there’s another color we now should consider with just as much fervor and zeal: blue.

Recently I discovered what I guess isn’t such a recent discovery, but alas, one overlooked by the public eye. Blue Zones, or the marketing ploy of a guy, Dan Buettner, trying to sell books, are places in the world where people are 10% more likely to live to be 100 years old. 100 years old! And these people aren’t setting dates and times to jog in Central Park, nor are they going to an expensive and crowded gym. They’re simply living their lives as those before them had and as those after will. So what’s the secret?

Buettner lays it out in 5 loosely defined categories: diet, work, community, purpose, and environment. The right combination of a few of these factors and you’ve got yourself on the longest path possible towards eternity. The nature of these categories is what really intrigues me. Some, like diet and environment, are fairly scientific. With the right ingredients, for instance the herbal teas of Okinawa or the unbelievably anti-oxidant rich wine in Sardinia, you can keep your body clean and fit, and thus extend its usage period. This fits well into the American mindset, doesn’t it? No matter what, if you have these set things you will always achieve a certain outcome, given the correct mixture. 1 plus 1 ALWAYS equals 2. It’s as simple as that.

The other elements are somewhat more circumstantial. The kind of work people in these Blue Zones are doing is manual type labor. Most are farmers in mountainous regions, walking miles every day, performing low intensity exercises while maintaining a sense of purpose. All of these things come “naturally” to people in the region. There aren’t any crowded bus rides or polluted street cars. People use those things we in the Segway-era have forgotten about: legs. And in doing so, they decrease their chances of heart disease and high blood pressure.

With increased vitality comes an increased sense of purpose and activity within the community. People living in Blue Zones tend to be connected with the others living around them. Unlike here, where people are senior citizens by 65 and are done, worn out, too old to be of use, and shipped off to nursing homes, elderly people in Blue Zones remain vital to their communities’ culture. The bridge between young and old barely even exists.

Recently I read an article about a related story from which I’ve found new words to live by. In Australia there’s a competition unlike any other. A race that’s longer, more grueling, and frankly unfathomable for the normal human being. (Of course, right? I mean, it’s Australia. What else would you expect from the land down under?) It’s called the Westfield ultra-marathon and it’s a 543-mile trek from Sydney to Melbourne. Most of the 150 entrants are, as you might assume young adults in prime shape, geared up and ready to go; their bodies are the culminations of 20-some-odd years of intense training.

In 1983 however, a 61-year-old man, aptly named Cliff Young, entered the race and stunned the world when he finished first and set a record time by 2 days. Young, a sheep farmer from Victoria, Australia, said he trained by working through the nights without sleep. His advice for others and my new words by which I live: “No matter what you do, you have to keep moving. If you don’t wear out, you rust out.”

I think Buettner and the Blue Zone people would agree. It’s all about remaining active. Activity stimulates the body as well as the mind. When you’re active, you have purpose. When you have purpose, your attitude toward life is positive. When you stay positive, you stay healthy. And when you stay healthy, you live longer.

Whether or not I will live to be 100 remains a moot mystery. But what I can say now is that along with going green, (as I register for paperless statements from my Visa card…) I’m also dedicated to going blue. Anyone interested in coming with?